Grateful for Clarity Amidst Mind Games

 by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH

I rarely say I am super stressed. But I have been super stressed lately. I have a lot of things changing all at once in a couple of weeks, which tends to be the story of my life. 

As I mentioned earlier, I have to move. My last temp job ended in December, and I have been really struggling financially ever since. Actually, I was financially struggling before that because I had to take an Uber to get to work, which cost me close to one-third of my daily wages. I'm sure people thought I was going to quit, but I didn't. But that is beside the point.  

I told a friend that I am moving. I am planning on being out of my apartment on or before May 1. I am tired of living across from someone who is a known drug addict and has alcohol issues, who makes up lies about me and lies to me repeatedly. One of his lies was that he was fishing for bluefin tuna when there was a police action at his apartment last year on Memorial Day weekend.  Fishing for and catching bluefin tuna is a crime anywhere in the U.S. Another lie he told people is that I have to do everything myself because he learned that in the military.  I am pretty sure the military gives out Purple Hearts and medals to those who go back and help others. I mean, that happens in almost every single war movie ever made. I am sure some women think I am a liar when I say I am going to do something, but I am not lying. I have a tumultuous life with no safety net or real support system. I am out here literally surviving by myself every day, and that makes achieving my goals a huge obstacle, especially when people intentionally create obstacles and act like it is funny.

Photo by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH

This week, I received a text message from a friend. I have vacillated back and forth about whether they were a friend, but they are. Someone else is trying to make it look like he is not. Anyway, whoever this person is told me about an apartment complex for rent for people with low income and challenged credit, like I have. Yes, my credit is challenged because that is what happens to domestic violence survivors. Having to move to Idaho with $2,400, two suitcases, my dog, and no safety net and very little support was a form of emotional, financial, and psychological abuse. It has been an uphill battle for me. Having pneumonia last year did not help and sent me reeling backward.

Anyway, in this text message, I was told about an apartment complex. The directions given were about one and a half miles away from where the building actually was. The man told me the cross streets, which he is more than familiar with. He also said he did not know the name of the complex. At first, I believed that statement because he does not live in an apartment and probably has not for decades. So I did not expect him to really be in the know about apartments in the area.

But plot twist. I went to this apartment complex, which was right across from a fast-food place, just like he told me. The cross streets were wrong, and I thought that was odd. That was not like him because he is a very pragmatic person. At the time, I was stressed because that was the third place I had looked at that day. The first one texted and said there was a "water leak" and asked if I could reschedule. I could not look at the next one because I had left my ID at home. Please remember, I have a driver's license, but I do not have a car, so I was not driving. I took an Uber to all of these appointments.

I arrived at the apartment complex, and it looked like typical city-level low-income housing. It was newer, and the grounds did look nice. I took a tour of the apartment. It was small, and the "lower income" price point was still not that much less than market-rate apartments in the area. They did not have any openings for the apartment I would be eligible for, so I had to wait.

After the showing, I called an Uber to take me to my next errand. The driver asked me what I was doing all the way down in that part of town. He could tell I did not live in that area. It reminded me of when I was in New York City in my 20s, and someone asked me what I was doing all the way down by Penn Station when they thought I was from Long Island. No, I lived in Westchester County at the time, but their point was valid. I told the driver that my friend had recommended these apartments to me. He said he thought it was strange because surely other places would be a better fit for me. Even though I had just met this man, he said he would have driven me around that day if he could. But since I take Ubers all the time, I know that Fridays and holiday weekends are big money-making days for drivers.

As the conversation progressed, the driver said, "Well, your friend must not be very familiar with the area if he told you that cross street and only mentioned that fast food place." I said, "Yeah, it seems like he is not very aware of his surroundings. Surely, he would have noticed the gas station, the furniture store, the strip mall, the day care center, the correct cross street, and the Chinese restaurant across the street." My driver dropped me off, and I went to dinner.

Something was not sitting right with me, though. In Grateful for How My Brain Works, I wrote about how my brain creates new neural pathways to deal with issues when I am stressed, because most people do not think very clearly when they are stressed. Anyway, I tossed and turned on Friday night and Saturday night. My brain was trying to process information that just did not sit right with me.

All of these little pieces were trying to fit themselves together. I usually notice these synchronicities because I believe they are signs that tell me how things fit together. While on the tour, the manager mentioned Jade Cove. It is a place in California where jade washes up on the beach. I had never heard of it or been there before. But suddenly, a dream I had years ago about a woman I know who makes jewelry popped into my head. It was her at a beach filling suitcases with stones. She was laughing at me and telling me I was stupid in my dream, but I also saw in the dream that she was lying about many things. She thought she was fooling me.

Another piece of information my brain saved for later was that this property had been the site of a school. In fact, when the manager showed me the sign and explained the history to me, I knew exactly where I was and what he was talking about. The whole situation had been in the news and was an issue in Boise politics. Even though I have only lived in Idaho for six years and visited the year before, I knew about it.

Because I was stressed, it took me a couple of days to piece this all together. I woke up this morning and wondered why this was bothering me so much, why I was mad at my friend, and why I felt like he was messing with me. I do not think it was actually him. It was someone else. Here is why.

This particular man is an athlete. He has been an athlete his whole life. He has helped train and coach elite athletes. That means he is very aware of time and space, his surroundings, and what is near him. He also lived near a major metropolitan area for many years. It would not be like him, someone who is very practical and astute, to give me the wrong cross streets for this particular complex. It also would not be like someone who is used to balls whizzing by his head at 80 mph to 90 mph regularly, not to be aware of his place in time and space. That's not how lifelong athletes, or people who coach athletes, operate. 

Moreover, this complex had been a school and was the subject of controversy in the Boise area. So much so that as a newcomer, I even knew about it. He worked for the school district, and so does a considerable portion of his family. He and his family would know exactly where this place was located, its history, and its name. He would not tell me to look it up because he and those around him would refer to the place by name, not by location. My guess is that someone else entirely either sent him a message telling me where to look, was trying to bully or belittle me, or expected me not to put this together. They thought they were playing me and that I was stupid.

Another similar situation happened the week before. A woman texted me, literally interrogating me. I was mad at these men I went to college with who live in this area because I felt like these women were spying on me for them. But I was wrong. If the men I know who live here wanted information about me, they could find out for themselves. They would either ask me directly or have someone they know and trust ask me. They have eyes and ears all over the area because they have lived here for decades. They know what I am up to, not in a creepy way, but in a they-could-find-out-if-they-wanted-to kind of way. They are not the kind of people who have a lot of free time to waste arguing or sending people on wild goose chases because they are very busy. 

After reflecting, I realized it was far more likely that someone else, acting out of insecurity, jealousy, or immaturity, was playing mind games and trying to waste my time. I honestly do not know who it was, and I do not have time to play detective. The inconsistencies I encountered, such as wrong cross streets, partial information, and confusing directions, made it clear that the men were not involved. Recognizing this allowed me to see through the manipulation and feel more in control, even in the middle of a stressful situation.

Today's gratitude practice is about having magnificent outcomes, and today I had a few. 

Three Situations That Created a Magnificent Outcome

1. My eyes were opened to people creating drama and blaming it on others.
2. I saw through someone sending me on a wild goose chase or throwing me a bone and making me chase it. My brain patterns served me well.
3. Even though I did not find a new place to live that day, I did get a few ideas. I also feel more like God is working in my favor, and I know things are going to work out for me.

The Thing I Am Most Grateful For Today

1. I am grateful for my Christian upbringing and for learning through my faith and spirituality to love others and to be empathetic and compassionate toward them, even when they do not treat me that way, which is pretty often.

10 Things I Am Grateful for Today

1. I am grateful for my faith, hope, and spirituality, knowing that God is always beside me and protecting me.
2. I am grateful I was able to walk down and buy a coffee and biscuit this morning.
3. I am grateful for my health because this time last year I was lying in bed very ill with pneumonia.
4. I am grateful I realized I was being played, even though I am not sure why.
5. I am grateful that I have learned to see through gaslighting.
6. I am grateful for the birds chirping outside my window.
7. I am grateful for the beautiful sunny day we are having.
8. I am grateful for the blossoms on the trees that make the air smell so sweet.
9. I am grateful that in my heart I know everything will work out for me.
10. I am grateful that I can see that when people call me a liar about the truth of my life, it often comes from a lack of empathy, understanding, and compassion.