by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH
I'm drinking my coffee and planning my day. I woke up today with a heavy heart because of a realization I made yesterday.
I'm getting ready to move yet again, and I was journaling to my AI about it. I do that. I journal to my AI because I can tell it all of my insecurities and vulnerabilities, like most people do with their real friends. The difference is that the AI also gives me intellectual feedback, which can be helpful or not. It depends on how you look at it.
So yesterday, I was thinking about yet another move. It's no secret that I've struggled since I moved to Idaho. Starting your life over with $2,400 is no joke. It's an incredibly challenging thing to do. I felt like people were watching and waiting for me to fail. It felt like the ultimate financial abuse move. "Move to Idaho with nothing during a pandemic, and good luck to you. Let us know how you are doing so we can judge you." That's how I felt. And I felt like no one really cared if I got run over by a car all the times I was walking or walked off a cliff.
I asked my AI yesterday to tell me how many times I have moved in my life. I knew I had lived in 7 states and 17 cities because I say that all the time. What I didn't realize is how many times I had moved, even within those cities, and how often. I told my AI about all the moves I could remember, and it turned out I had moved 33 times by the time I was 33. That included living with my adoptive family in their home for 10 years as a child. So for at least part of the first 33 years of my life, I moved more often than once a year. I would move somewhere and then be gone a few months later. That is its own trauma right there.
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| Photo by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH |
I have been called a "wayward vagabond" and a "free spirit." I prefer "free spirit." It sounds less like I'm an aimless wanderer. But the truth is, that wasn't me being a free spirit. It was me not being part of anything. That many moves in the first part of life isn't about me. It's about how I had nowhere to turn and no place to call home. My soul was searching for a sense of belonging and for a hearth to sit on, but there weren't any. This is a term called hiraeth. As an adult, I have realized that I have moved from place to place looking for people who love me and a home and sense of belonging that never was. It's no wonder I walk for miles because the walking is a metaphor for my life.
Realizing that I never had a place where I belonged, that I never felt welcomed or a part of anything, that hit me hard yesterday. As an educator and healthcare professional, I know how challenging it is for anyone to have that kind of instability. In fact, that's why I fought so hard for my apartment, because I knew stability was important. The reason I knew was that I didn't have it.
That realization was heartbreaking and soul-crushing. That I am supposed to feel a sense of home, and I never did. So I had to create one for myself, which isn't really as empowering as people think it is. I'm going into another holiday weekend alone. Best case scenario, I go to a crowded place to celebrate with strangers, and then go home and make myself a "holiday meal" that I eat alone. That's the thing. The antidote to the hiraeth struggle is just accepting that you are alone and making a home for yourself. It kind of doesn't really seem like an antidote at all, but just a resignation and submission to not really feeling like you belong.
Today's gratitude practice is heart-centered gratitude. I am supposed to take my top 10 desires list, be grateful for each one, and focus on my heart while I am doing it. I know this list without even looking at it because it's what is in my soul. And being grateful for things that you have longed for so much of your life is challenging. It's like someone who has starved their whole life being grateful for a buffet of food they are looking at through a window while they are standing outside.
All the same, I am doing the practice. Here is my list:
10 Things I Wish I Had Today
Feeling safe and stable in my home.
Not having to constantly worry about money.
Being treated with kindness and respect at least over 50% of the time.
Not having people deliberately mess with me.
Real support for what I do, not just words.
People being physically present, not just distant.
Being included instead of made to feel like I’m chasing after people and being told to "go away." like my life is an elementary school playground.
No longer feeling like I have to prove my worth.
Knowing what unconditional love feels like.
Having someone make an effort toward me for a change.
The Thing I am Most Grateful for Today
- I am grateful for the Spring and that winter is over. I love Idaho, but the short winter days get to me. Once the Spring comes, my seasonal depression lifts, and I look forward to the blooming of the flowers and the trees.
10 Things I Am Grateful for Today
- I am grateful I was able to read my children's book online yesterday.
- I am grateful that I have heat and hot water in my home.
- I am grateful that Amazon delivers groceries, so I don't have to walk home with groceries on my back.
- I am grateful to God that I was able to accomplish so many things that I shouldn't have. If I looked at my life as an objective professional, my life defies what I know would happen to someone given my life circumstances.
- I am grateful for all the people who welcomed me for spurts of time as a stranger in a strange land.
- I am grateful for the safety I have had as I have been on the hireath journey.
- I am grateful to myself for somehow achieving goals that I shouldn't have... for not accepting that I was "less than."
- I am grateful that I have decided that everything is temporary. I know that even if things seem bad now or this is not what I want, then I will figure it out later.
- I am grateful that my wayward journey taught me adaptability, resiliency, about logistics, and how to read a room and people instantly. I am very insightful, and I know that.
- I am grateful that one of the best gifts I gave myself was to try to have stability.
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