I’m up at 2:00 am because my body hurts. I have felt like no one cared for a long time. I felt like that when I was screaming for help while I was being abused, and I literally had to fight someone off to keep them from hurting me. I felt it when I lay in bed last year with pneumonia, feeling like I was going to die, and then walking 5 miles to the bus stop. I felt it this week when an abusive person called me and told me that if I was struggling financially to live in a shelter or call Women's and Children's services. They said they offered me a ride, but I refused. Yes, I did. Because I was already walking that day and was only a few blocks from home. So, according to them, I deserved to walk five miles to and from the bus stop every day because I refused a ride that one day. How dare I think I deserved anything different?
Thanks to my therapist, I've recognized those comments for what they are. Emotional abuse. But to me, it's just more of the same that has echoed in my mind - no one cares about me. I felt that when I had to move to Idaho because I was leaving an abusive partner. I haven't told the whole backstory.
I came to Idaho for a family member's wedding the year before. I wanted to feel everyone out to see what they would think of me coming here. They acted ridiculously and childishly. I asked to meet someone I thought was a friend for coffee while I was in town visiting, and he accused me of "stalking" him. I guess his girlfriend at the time thought it was funny because I had relayed to people how I had been stalked in my home for years. It wasn't funny. It was cruel and terrifying. It was a nightmare I still can't comprehend, and my mind won't even let me visit there to deal with it. But, to other people, it was grounds for a cruel joke.
 |
| The first year I lived in Idaho, I slept on a mattress on the floor. I crocheted this blanket when I arrived, so I would have a blanket. The pillows I stuffed in my suitcase so I would have some reminder of home. I bought some cheap blankets and bed pillows on Amazon, which I still have six years later. |
I decided these people didn't care about me at all. I was on vacation, and I was staying with a family member. The family member lied and told people I went back home because she kicked me out. i had planned to go back home because I was on a jury for a Murder 1 trial. When I got back, I saw a picture of the man and his girlfriend smirking online. This woman and her friends had bullied me all through college and ever since, even though I barely knew them. Even at that time, I had been out of college for almost 30 years. (Just two days ago, someone contacted me about them to let me know these women were "watching" and judging me.)
I stayed with my ex because I felt like, at that moment, nobody cared. It didn't matter if I left. I had a few things in a storage unit already, but who cared? I decided I would just go back home and stay out of his way. In February of 2020, he came to tell me I needed to move out so his girlfriend could move in. During a pandemic, I had to start my life over.
No one helped me as I prepared to leave. Why? Because they didn't care about me. It was a funny game to them. Ha, ha, ha. They hated me in college. It felt like I was still the loser they thought I was in college. I had to call 30 places in Idaho just to find a place to live. I had decided to move there despite people being cruel to me on my vacation. Because I've always been treated like no one cares, moving somewhere else didn’t really change that feeling. I packed my boxes and shipped them by myself across the country. Only six boxes because that was all I could afford. Remember, it was the pandemic. I was furloughed from my contract job.
One woman gave me $100 to help me. She said, "Here, you are going to need this to buy groceries for you and Mosie." The day my ex took me to the airport, he took a few hundred dollars out of his account. He was in tears. "Where is everybody?" He said. He said he was told that a lot of people were helping me move. No one was there. Just him. They were "helping me move" by forcing me to move elsewhere. I came to Idaho with next to nothing. Until I received money through the Emergency Rent Assistance Program, it was all me. I have no idea how I survived. But my subsequent financial struggles have been looked at like they were some kind of moral failing rather than the result of poverty, emotional abuse, and financial abuse.
If you don't know, $2400 doesn't go very far. That money disappeared almost immediately into survival: deposits, rent, utilities, food, transportation, application fees, storage, phones, and trying to maintain some sense of normalcy while I was trying to pretend I was okay, while I was struggling with PTSD.
And when you are a survivor of domestic violence or prolonged instability, you are not rebuilding from zero. You are rebuilding from damage.
People look at bad credit as though it is a moral report card. As though collections, late payments, repossessions, or struggling to stay afloat automatically mean someone is irresponsible or a bad person. Because I have struggled financially, I am treated worse than a family member who is a convicted felon. We feel sorry for him because he was in jail. They don't care about me because I have a master's degree, and I should be expected to do everything myself. Even though I was abused as a child, even though I grew up in foster homes, even though I was repeatedly sexually assaulted, even though I was homeless, even though I had to pay my way through college, even though I'm a domestic violence survivor. But I accomplished something they didn't want me to, so they emotionally and verbally abused me for it. I felt like I was being punished for trying to have a normal life in the midst of a struggle.
Here's the thing. Credit reports do not measure trauma. They do not measure survival. They do not measure abandonment, coercion, instability, fear, or the cost of rebuilding a life from almost nothing. They measure whether bills are paid on time. There is a huge difference.
What people often call “poor choices” are sometimes the financial aftermath of survival mode. Once you fall behind, the system compounds it. Late fees become more debt. Debt damages credit. Damaged credit affects housing. Housing instability affects employment and transportation. Then people judge the outcome as though it happened in a vacuum. And people just don't care. They don't realize that starting with $2400 is starting from behind. They let you walk for miles to the bus stop and then contact you and tell you that you are a bad person because you aren't working enough... even while you are recovering from a serious illness.
What I needed was stability and support while rebuilding.
What I often received instead was judgment. So when I was told, "You are a nothing, nobody loser that no one cares about." I said, "I know already." What I meant was, "I know already that is what people think of me. To them, I am less than everyone. I don't deserve anything."
Today's gratitude practice is feeling like my top 10 things I wish I had today were true. You don't know how much I wish they were. This week, none of this feels true. Not one thing, because I have heard so many excuses about why I deserve to suffer and don't deserve anything, and gaslighted into believing that people are being so good to me when they aren't.
Still, I visualize and imagine what it would be like if it were true.
10 Things I Wish I Had Today
Feeling safe and stable in my home.
Not having to constantly worry about money.
Being treated with kindness and respect at least over 50% of the time.
Not having people deliberately mess with me.
Real support for what I do, not just words.
People being physically present, not just distant.
Being included instead of made to feel like I’m chasing after people and being told to "go away," like my life is an elementary school playground.
No longer feeling like I have to prove my worth.
Knowing what unconditional love feels like.
Having someone make an effort toward me for a change.
The Thing I'm Most Grateful for Today
As I have been writing, my physical pain has lessened, so I will be able to go back to sleep.
10 Things I Am Grateful for Today
1. A person who took the time out of their day to actually call and be helpful.
2, I'm grateful for myself for continuing to fight against injustice.
3. I'm grateful that I see beyond the immediate situation and see circumstances in a whole way. I see the forest and the trees.
4. I'm grateful for the blanket I made for myself. It's so incredibly comforting.
5. I'm grateful for the day I woke up and decided I had to eat. I quit my starvation cycle that day.
6. I'm grateful for all the cars I owned, even though that's probably an excuse people use for not doing anything for me. Because they expect me to do everything myself.
7. I'm grateful for my fortitude that I keep going even on days when I don't feel like I am moving toward anything.
8. I'm grateful for at least a more steady stream of income.
9. I'm grateful for all the little moments of joy I created for myself, even when others excluded me.
10. I'm grateful I dare to speak my truth, even though other people find it as a reason to deny me for other things like jobs, housing, or even basic social support.
Comments
Post a Comment