by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH
Part of life is making mistakes. One of my biggest mistakes has been believing people cared about me when they didn't.
I have spent years giving people the benefit of the doubt, believing they would eventually treat me with kindness, honesty, and respect. Instead, I found myself repeatedly dealing with manipulation, lies, control, and blame. When I objected to how I was treated, I was often told that I was the problem. When I spoke up, I was accused of blaming others. When I questioned what was happening around me, I was told I was "way off base."
I've been very open about not wanting my sister in my life. I'm tired of the narrative that every mention of my family in any way is somehow an attack on my family. The other day, someone complained because I said I wasn't allowed to wear sweatpants to school. It was one of my mom's rules because she thought sweatpants looked sloppy. That isn't a bad thing. It's just a story. I'm sure the person complaining was a member of my family. I also said that people who lived in my hometown gossiped a lot. Someone bullied me over that. A lot of people who grow up in small towns talk about how much gossiping went on, but I'm somehow not allowed to? That seems really bizarre.
I am allowed to discuss my experiences. I am allowed to speak about the people who have hurt me. What I am no longer willing to do is pretend that harmful behavior is acceptable simply because it comes from a relative or people who pretend to care about me.
When I moved to Idaho, I genuinely believed my life was going to improve. I thought I would reconnect with people. I thought relationships could be repaired. I thought people who claimed to care about me actually did.
I was wrong.
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Photo by Jeanette R. Harrison |
Instead, I spent years feeling like I was defending myself against one false narrative after another. There are plenty of real mistakes I have made in my life. There are plenty of legitimate things people could criticize me for. Yet so much of the criticism I received focused on trivial matters while I was dealing with far more serious issues alone.
The hardest thing for me to accept is that many of the people I hoped would be part of my life had no real interest in being part of it. I kept believing things would change. I kept believing that if I explained myself clearly enough, behaved correctly enough, or waited long enough, I would eventually be accepted.
That never happened.
Instead, I often felt like I was being tested, judged, and evaluated by people who were unwilling to extend me the same grace they expected for themselves.
Over time, I began to realize that many of these relationships were not reciprocal. Some people seemed far more interested in controlling my choices, criticizing my decisions, and telling me how to live than they were in actually supporting me.
What makes this especially painful is that many of these same people were nowhere to be found during some of the most difficult periods of the past six years. They weren't the ones dealing with illness, financial hardship, loneliness, or recovery. Yet they often seemed eager to tell me what I should be doing and who I should be.
Eventually, I stopped asking whether these people cared about me and started paying attention to their actions.
That answered my questions.
Relationships are reciprocal. No one is entitled to a place in my life simply because they are related to me, know me, or have known me for a long time. If someone believes I must earn the right to be in their life, then they should also be willing to earn the right to be in mine.
Looking back, I can see that my mistake was not trusting my instincts.
Today, I no longer feel obligated to pretend that unhealthy relationships are healthy. I no longer feel obligated to chase acceptance from people who have no interest in giving it. And I no longer feel obligated to ignore behavior that I know is harmful.
If people want to choose someone else over me, they are free to do so. If they want to believe whatever story makes them comfortable, they are free to do that as well.
What I have finally accepted is that I cannot build relationships by myself. I cannot create loyalty where none exists. I cannot force people to care.
What I can do is stop lying to myself.
As painful as that realization has been, it has also been freeing.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am seeing things clearly.
The Best Thing That Happened Today
- I finally recognized the gaslighting for what it was and stopped accepting explanations that no longer make sense to me.
10 Things I Am Grateful for Today
- I am grateful that I finally accepted some people do not care about me the way I hoped they would.
- I am grateful that I survived difficult circumstances that could have broken me.
- I am grateful that I no longer feel obligated to pretend unhealthy relationships are healthy.
- I am grateful that I remembered truths about my own experiences after years of questioning myself.
- I am grateful that I had the courage to speak honestly about what I have lived through.
- I am grateful that I recognized manipulation when I saw it.
- I am grateful that I learned relationships require effort from both people.
- I am grateful that I understand criticism is not the same thing as support.
- I am grateful that I remained standing despite pressure to leave, change, or become someone else.
- I am grateful that I finally trust my own judgment more than the opinions of people who have repeatedly hurt me.
Inspired by The Magic by Rhonda Byrne, this gratitude practice has been adapted into a self-paced 28 Days of Gratitude course for readers who want a simple structure without pressure. An optional guided journal, Bragging About You, is available for deeper reflection.
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