Some people say cruel or antagonistic things and then excuse it as “just trying to see what you think” or “just testing you.” I’ve had people in my life do exactly that—saying no one loved me, telling me I had no worth, or suggesting I should take jobs far below my ability. One even told me to go walk three to five miles in freezing temperatures. Their reasoning? They wanted me to argue back so they could see what I really thought or cared about.
 |
Cognitive dissonance and emotional investment can be useful teaching tools. However, they can become emotional manipulation and psychological abuse when used to trigger trauma. |
On the surface, this kind of behavior might look like intellectual curiosity. In reality, it is manipulative—and it’s especially harmful to someone who has been psychologically and emotionally abused or who lives with PTSD. And it doesn’t just happen with “friends.” It happens at work, with family, and in all kinds of relationships. To understand why it’s so damaging, it helps to look at the psychology behind it: cognitive dissonance, emotional investment, and a lack of empathy.
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we feel when our beliefs or values clash with new information or opposing ideas. In a classroom or a workplace discussion, it can be useful—forcing people to think harder, examine assumptions, and grow.
But in relationships, deliberately creating dissonance by telling someone they’re worthless, unloved, or incapable isn’t teaching—it’s cruelty. For someone with PTSD, it doesn’t spark reflection; it sparks a trauma response. Instead of growth, it reopens wounds and intensifies feelings of fear, shame, or worthlessness.
Emotional Investment
Emotional investment is the energy we put into people, ideas, or outcomes. At its best, it deepens relationships, fuels loyalty, and motivates us to care. Teachers use it to connect students to their learning. At work, it can help teams stay committed.
But emotional investment can also be twisted into a weapon. If someone says, “No one loves you,” and I argue back with the names of those who do or feel like no one does, they’ve manipulated my emotional investment. I wasn’t trying to have that conversation—I was baited into defending myself. For a trauma survivor, that’s retraumatizing. It forces us into fight-flight-fawn-freeze mode, and it makes what should be a safe relationship—whether with a coworker, a family member, or a friend—feel unsafe.
Lack of Empathy
And underneath it all is a lack of empathy. Healthy people care about how their words land. They don’t push others into dissonance just to watch them squirm. They don’t exploit emotional investment to test reactions. When empathy is missing, whether in a family dynamic, a friendship, or a workplace, relationships stop being supportive and become antagonistic. And antagonism, no matter how it’s packaged, is not care.
The Bottom Line
In the right context, like a classroom or a thoughtful debate, tools like cognitive dissonance and emotional investment can help us grow. But in personal, family, or workplace relationships—especially for those of us who have survived abuse or live with PTSD—using those same tools as weapons causes real harm.
Relationships should never feel like an experiment or a psychological test. Real friends, family members, and colleagues don’t need to break you down to see what you’re made of. They already know your worth—and they remind you of it when you forget.
Comments
Post a Comment