Grateful for Food

by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH

As I’m writing this post, I have dinner cooking on the stove. What’s on the menu tonight? Carne asada tacos. My pre-dinner snack was Skinny Pop. I’m a self-proclaimed foodie, having lived in Kansas City and traveled extensively throughout the country. It’s funny to think about now, because I was an extremely picky eater as a child. As an adult, every time I traveled somewhere new, I made a point to try new foods. I’ve even tried Ethiopian food—definitely not my favorite. To me, it tasted like a spicy, dirty sponge.

I enjoy cooking when I have the time to cook and clean up afterward. I have this quirky rule where I won’t cook unless the kitchen is clean first. So it’s bothering me tonight that I have dirty dishes in the sink as I’m cooking dinner. But they will be washed and put in the dishwasher before bed.

I’ve had a long, complicated love-hate relationship with food. In a previous post, I shared that I was neglected as a child and often didn’t have enough food, if any. I was very small for my age because I experienced starvation off and on growing up. I also experienced starvation—what we now refer to as severe food insecurity—as an adult, even while living here in Idaho.

One way that I show gratitude for food and for myself, 
is by taking myself out at least once a week. 
North Italia is one of my favorite spots, and I love their cavatelli. 

Food is something that I felt denied for so much of my life. The irony is that the more access I had to food, the healthier I became. But people didn’t see it that way. As a teenager, I was told I was “fat” by family members almost every day while eating a meal. My body image became so distorted that I don’t recognize my thinner self in photos from back then. I was told I was “fat” even when I bordered on being underweight. I look at those pictures and think, That isn’t me. Years of food insecurity and abuse set the stage for a distorted body image and an eating disorder.

Food insecurity often creates eating disorders—including for me—because scarcity leads to bingeing. Have you ever gone two weeks with barely enough to get by, and then suddenly you can eat again, so you eat anything you can find? I have. You eat because you have been denied something, and you don't know when the food will run out again or when your next meal will be. Or how you are going to pay for your food or get food. Then I’d gain weight and feel ashamed, and I’d find ways to purge. Contrary to popular misconception, people with eating disorders are not always thin. It became an endless cycle that I finally broke in my early 30s, but the struggle never fully disappears. And once you’ve been through that cycle, your metabolism becomes unpredictable—something you definitely pay for as you get older. Now, I struggle with my weight. 

When I lived here in Idaho and got paid biweekly, I often couldn’t afford groceries to last the entire two-week period. By the end of each pay cycle, I would be starving. My paycheck would hit at 4:00 p.m., and I’d immediately go to the vending machine. I’ve had many days where I simply didn’t have enough food. And the response from some people felt like: Well, you’re fat. You don’t deserve to eat. I had friends who thought they were helping me “lose weight” by not offering me food. Men invited me out to dinner and ordered for everyone at the table except me. One friend told me they were treating me, then ordered drinks for both of us and food for themself and nothing for me. Another man once told me that if I “acted right,” then he would take me to a restaurant, as if I didn’t deserve to sit at a table.

My former partner was a restaurant manager. He would yell at me about how ungrateful I was whenever he took me to eat at his restaurant—even though I thanked him every single time. The truth is, because of those 12 years, I still go out to eat regularly to support the restaurant industry. Good or bad, that industry kept a roof over my head.

For years, food was the first thing I cut when money was tight. I was told so often that I shouldn’t eat that I internalized this message: food was a luxury, not a necessity. I still struggle with that, but now I try to make sure I keep my refrigerator full. I believe I deserve food—a basic necessity—and I believe I am worthy of going to restaurants. That's why I take myself out regularly. 

Today, I am deeply grateful for everything I ate. I’m not going to share the list, even though it wasn’t anything too unhealthy. I don’t always feel comfortable sharing because I’ve been emotionally abused and bullied so many times over food and weight.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the food I ate and everything I drank today.

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Best Thing That Happened Today

1. I had a relaxing day today and was able to meditate for a couple of hours this afternoon. It was very healing for me.

10 Things I Am Grateful for Today

1. I am grateful for all the live music available in my area.

2. I am grateful for people who come up and hug me after they haven't seen me in a long time.

3. I am grateful for a neighbor who dropped off a bag of food unexpectedly.

4. I am grateful for all the great food I have experienced in restaurants.

5. I am grateful for all the travelling I have been able to do as an adult.

6. I am grateful I learned a lot about cooking from being in a relationship with a restaurant manager.

7. I am grateful for my comfy sweatpants I am wearing today.

8. I am grateful for my refrigerator that keeps my food fresh.

9. I am grateful for all the people who work in the grocery industry who enable us to get food.

10. I am grateful I have a grocery store within walking distance of my home because I know not everyone does.