When Gratitude Is Hard

 by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH

It’s Saturday night, and I’m sitting at home in my sweatpants and nightshirt. I’m relaxing in my chair after a day of doing laundry, walking, and trying to cut back on spending. I didn’t walk as much as I wanted because my knees hurt. My home still isn’t clean because I was tired and distracted,  and walking around all day increased my pain.

I’m trying to spend less because I was recently transferred at my day job, and it’s costing me almost $300 a week just to get to work. I spend the first and last hour of every day working to earn money just to get to and from work. Did I mention my knees hurt? And it’s oddly hot in my apartment even though it’s fall. I have the sliding door open on this November night just to let in some cool air.

Overall, I’d give today a six—it was peaceful. But I downgraded it because I had no one to talk to about what I needed to talk about. That’s one of the ways people try to control me. They say their “boundaries” mean they won’t talk to me unless I’m positive or talk about what they think I should discuss. I recognize it for what it is: bullying and coercive control. That was on my mind today as I sat at home alone.

The day I took this photo I learned what a “glimmer” is.
A glimmer is a small moment that sparks joy or peace.
Seeing the beauty of fall is a glimmer.

I’ve mentioned before how I’ve been bullied throughout my adult life—particularly by people I went to college with. These people seem to have an unhealthy obsession with telling me I’m a bad person or “less than” them. They even involved my own family. It makes me angry because it leaves me feeling powerless.

One example: a woman contacted me when I had COVID. She offered me hypnotherapy, but she had no real mental health training—she was just becoming a hypnotist. I was her “guinea pig.” Let me tell you, someone who has endured the complex traumas I’ve been through should never be anyone’s mental health project.

She wasn’t the only one. Another woman from college, who was training to become a therapist, also took it upon herself to tell others what she thought I was “all about.” She didn’t even know me personally. I found her completely unequipped to deal with someone like me—and frankly, she had the insights of an amoeba.

Then there’s another woman and her circle of friends from college who know some of the men I went to school with here in Idaho. These women have been bullying me for 30 years. They told people I was “bad luck,” tried to investigate my life, and spread lies—then called me a liar.

I remember one day, a few years ago, I was hiking alone. I sent a man I thought I was in a relationship with a picture of me standing in the river by a dam. Perfectly harmless. Within minutes, I received three text messages from women I went to college with—women who claimed to be my friends—saying I was crazy, jealous, obsessive, and controlling. My guess? The man I texted was with someone they knew, and she projected her insecurities and personality traits onto me.

It’s hard because I have no one to really talk to about it. I feel powerless, abused, exposed, and mistreated. What can I do besides nothing? It’s hard to feel grateful when you know you’re a target just for existing. In my case, it’s because I grew up in foster homes and was adopted. These women seem to think that when I share my story, I’m “playing the victim” or “trying to get people to feel sorry for me.” In reality, I’m just talking about my life.

What hurt the most was realizing that someone I trusted used that trust to mentally abuse me—to antagonize me into disclosing personal information. She told me no one valued me, that I had no worth, and that some people—meaning me—just weren’t meant to be loved. Then she’d turn around and tell me she cared about me and was my friend. Thankfully, my therapist stepped in and told me to stop talking to her. It took several months for me to fully understand why. By then, the damage was done, and it set me back quite a bit.

So, I wasn’t feeling very grateful today after all that. My day ended with a trip to the bank to withdraw money for rent. I still have to worry about how I’ll pay my electric bill and afford to get to work, which costs me close to $300 a week since I have to Uber every day.  I felt my anxiety rising, so I went for a short walk before coming home. I walked a few more steps around the house until my knees hurt too much to continue, ate a home-cooked dinner, and remembered that I am doing my 28 Days of Gratitude course starting this week.

That reminder helped. Expressing gratitude really does make me feel better. So I decided to reframe my day based on the things I’m grateful for.

Today’s gratitude practice is to list 10 things I am grateful for and why.

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10 Things I Am Grateful For

1. I am grateful I had a day off and could sleep in.

2. I am grateful that I see my dog first thing in the morning because she helps me feel joy.

3. I am grateful that I can do my laundry at home.

4. I am grateful that I have at least one good friend from my undergraduate college who reaches out to me regularly.

5. I am grateful for my memory of walking out by the dam in the river.

6. I am grateful that I know it’s okay to share my joys and sorrows with other people.

7. I am grateful that I saw those women’s comments for what they were—bullying.

8. I am grateful that I will no longer allow people who are not qualified professionals to judge my mental health.

9. I am grateful I was able to buy groceries and cook at home this weekend.

10. I am grateful for my ability to walk, even if my knees hurt.